Surprise! Buttse --
by SpaceRanger
Summary: - Or Not...
1. Surprise! Buttse -- Or Not

** DISCLAIMER****: **_All of the characters in this fic are not mine. They are the property of BIOWARE. Hope you enjoy! Comments and complaints welcomed! :-)_

** Author's Note****:**_ Warning! I've been a very very bad author!anon on the kink meme. I hijacked an OP anon's prompt. I blame __plotbunny!Javik. He refused to shut up until I wrote this. I'm sorry!_

_Also, there will be dark humor and hints/mentions of Female Shepard With Liara T'Soni ahead! If this offends you press the back button now!_

_An anon prompted this:_

_masseffectkink. livejournal . c o m 6609. html ? thread = 29493713 # t29493713 __(Don't forget to remove spaces and add a slash between the com and the 6609.)_

_Thing is, I didn't meet with Javik until after the party and I had a quiet party. Thus, in my __play through, Zaeed and Garrus got bored. And when Zaeed and Garrus get bored, this happens: _

_www. youtube . c o m watch ? v = 53mMTV0MxN0 __(Don't forget to remove spaces and add a slash between the com and the watch.)_

i

** Surprise! Buttse - Or Not... **

By SpaceRanger

i

For once the walkways of the Silversun Strip seemed pretty empty and most shops were closed. The cause of this? A highly anticipated event going on in the Armax Arsenal Arena.

Thus, it was to no surprised that this well known figure was not noticed "sneaking in" to another well known figure's apartment. Though, saying that this being was "sneaking in" is an untrue statement. The way this figure was talking loudly to itself in an angry manner and not bothering with an attempt to disguise itself or even hide its blinking lights, it would've failed Thieving 101 right away.

"This one is angry with Commander Shepard and her prothean partner! Commander Shepard may have been in the Spectre club for three years, but she is not special! She does not even have this one's Ultra Spectre Elite 7000 much less the 4000 Deluxe!"

The hanar flashed its lights faster as it walked through the apartment, the doors sliding shut behind it.

"This one will have revenge! Oh yes, this one will! This one will Enkindle you in so many ways you will not even remember your name!"

The hanar continued up the stairs and barges into the master bedroom.

"And when this one is done with you Commander Shepard, you will learn why this one is the true Hero of the Citadel and the Hero of the Citadel does not share top billing!"

The hanar's proclamation is greeted only by silence.

"She is not here. This one was told that she would be here! This one shall punish the lying informant!"

The hanar turned to leave but before it could, it noticed something in the adjourning bathroom.

"Oh… she has a hot tub."

* * *

Blurry eyed, exhausted, and sore all over despite having one of the best uninterrupted by nightmares sleep not induced by alcohol, Shepard stumbled out of the only bedroom in Anderson's apartment (even after weeks, she could still never think of this lavish place as hers) that had a shower dressed in only a black T-shirt and cargos with only one thought in mind: _Coffeecoffeecoffee._

The Charity Reaper Challenge that she had done several times had taken a lot out of her. She thought she had enough strength to make it to the master bedroom but she found out how very wrong she was as soon as she made it to the doorway of the secondary bedroom. As it was, she barely made it to that room's bed before she collapsed.

She walked past the zen-ish tree Samara liked using as her meditation spot, heading towards the only coffee table on the top floor and pulled out the backpack she had dropped off there before yesterday's challenge in order to get her things. A strange smell hit her nostrils, making her gag and drop her pack.

"What the hell?!" Shepard croaked, her voice disused from sleep. She rubbed her eyes, dislodging eye crusts and trying to unblur her vision.

When she could finally see, she shifted the collar of her T-shirt to cover her nose and mouth and held one hand over them. She used the other to picked up her extra pistol, disengaging the safety. Extending the arm with the pistol out, Shepard activated her cloak, her eyes flitting around the apartment, looking for anomalies as she walked.

She didn't have to search long. The smell was the strongest in the master bedroom and she found the reason as soon as she walked in.

She could only stare, dumbfounded for several minutes after her cloak faded away. Finally she called out, as loud as she could,

"Love, can you come in here please? And bring your omni-tool… and maybe mine too… and a couple of oxygen masks... and make sure you're wearing one of them."

After what seemed like a very long time - but was in actuality probably only ten Earth minutes at most - Liara walked in, wearing the uniform Shepard had left in the other bathroom with a mask over her face, and the requested items in her arms.

"Shepard, what is - that… is… disturbing…"

Shepard rubbed her face before plucking the oxygen mask from Liara's arms. "So I'm not the only one seeing a dead hanar then right?"

"Yes."

"Shit… I'm never gonna be able to hear the end of it from Zaeed and Garrus. Smug basterds."

"You don't have to tell them."

Shepard raised an eyebrow as she looked over at Liara. "And I could call up Javik and tell him Dinner's Ready. But you know that's not my way."

Liara sighed resignedly before engaging her omnitool. "Glyph, could you run a DNA analysis on the hanar in the water?"

"Certainly, Dr. T'Soni… Analysis complete, this is Blasto, the hanar portraying the first hanar Spectre. "

"Huh… Well… Shit… guess Javik's not getting his dinner after all."

"Shepard!"

* * *

_Slight AU of this AU - Where Shepard does end up calling up Javik and telling him "Dinner's Ready."_

Javik stared, Liara stared, and Shepard stared down at the hot tub.

Javik: "Commander, there's no sauce to this."


	2. Epilogue

** DISCLAIMER****: **_All of the characters in this fic are not mine. They are the property of BIOWARE. Hope you enjoy! Comments and complaints welcomed! :-)_

** Author's Note****:**_ Oh good grief some how some way I feel like I am so gonna be paying for keeping this dark humor going. This was suppose to be a one-shot! Complete! Gah! And now it's a two-shot. I blame you for this follow-up Theodur! :-p_

i

** Epilogue **

By SpaceRanger

i

The sound of the door opening quickly caught the ears of the couple working out of the Den/"home office" of the apartment - Liara at Shepard's desk and Shepard at the poker table. Shepard lowered the omnitool that she had been using for the last several hours to write up a report and hovered her other hand over her cloak as she threw a quick glance over to her bondmate.

She needn't have bothered.

A familiar and much too gleeful voice boomed out: "ATTENTION CITIZENS! We are here to make a surprise building inspection! My hat demands this!"

This was followed by some over-the-top drunken laughter as well as a chorus of "Shut up Joker!"

Shepard took her hand off her cloak with a sigh and closed her eyes for a few seconds. She reopened them to look over at her bondmate again, only to see Liara shooting her a "they're *your* friends - you deal with it" look before resuming her work while Shepard reluctantly stood up to meet her uninvited guests.

When she entered the room, Shepard could feel her left eyebrow twitch with annoyance at the scene before her: Her entire crew (Tali, Garrus, Joker, EDI, James, Steve, Traynor, and invisible Kasumi anyways) were all dressed up like mad scientists and running their omni-tools all over the living room - most of them obviously drunk.

"What the hell people?! What are you all?! Teenagers?! And don't you see my idiot ass enough on the Normandy?! Go find somewhere else to crash!"

EDI stepped forward and in her perfectly deadpan voice asked, "Do you own this home citizen?"

"What? EDI, you - Ow!"

Shepard's eyebrow stopped twitching when an unseen boney elbow had decided to bury itself at Shepard's side for a quick moment, interrupting the commanding officer of the lunatics invading the apartment. Kasumi, likely the owner of the offending elbow, hissed mirthfully, "Play along, Shep! Just say yes!"

Shepard rolled her eyes as she responded back dryly, "I think the phrase you're looking for is 'Just say no.'"

Traynor and Tali jumped in between EDI and Shepard, the quarian with her hands clutched together in a pleading manner and Traynor with an attempt at puppy-dog eyes, "Come on *hic* Shepard *hic* pleeeeaassseeee!"

Shepard threw her hands up in surrender. "Fine, fine. And just so we're clear, I consider this a mutiny."

With annoyed sigh, Shepard answered unenthusiastically, "Yes."

The unseen boney elbow struck her again. "Ow! Dammit, Kasumi!"

"Come on Shep, you can do better then that! Put a little more emotion into it!"

If someone immediately took a picture of Shepard's face at this current moment, it could easily be sorted into a Meme and tacked with the caption of "DaFuq did I just hear?!"

"Emotio - " Shepard cut herself off, her eyes narrowing with suspicion. "Is this for porn?! This is for porn isn't it?! Dammit! Shut off all those damn omni-tools! I better not see or hear that any of this shit ended up or is going to end up in some porn movie-film-whatever!"

James's protest came next, "Aww, come on Lola, it'll be for a good cause! Charity and all that!"

Shepard spluttered with disbelief, "WHAT?! What kind of fucked up charity raises money using a porn film?! And how the hell did you people talk Steve into this?!"

Steve gave a slight wave from the couch he had claimed sometime during the invasion of Anderson's apartment. "Don't mind me, I'm just the designated driver."

Now that she thought about it, all the guy did was wear the lab coat and look at his omnitool instead of participating in the rest of the crew's drunken debauchery.

Shepard could feel her eyebrow twitching again though as most shuttles and skycars nowadays have the autopilot feature, so the purpose of the "designated driver" is to prevent the drunken people from doing stupid stuff. Though in a way she was glad that it was Steve that was put in charge. EDI hadn't gotten enough experience with organics to know when or how to steer their stupidity into something a little more manageable and Kasumi would just egg them on. "Steve, you're suppose to stop these idiots from doing stuff like this!"

Steve shot her a 'you're kidding right?' look. "Trust me Shepard, you do not want to know the other ideas they had. And Ms. Goto, Ms. EDI, please don't explain."

Kasumi pouts. "But I was looking forward to it."

Tali looks over at Traynor and asked, puzzled. "We *hic* had another *hic* idea?"

Traynor shrugged slowly. "I… I don't remember. Oh! I forgot there was a bar here! Heylet'sgoscanbehindthebar!"

"Good *hic* Idea!" The two of the wondered off to behind the bar.

"And the only thing you could think of was creating porn for a _Charity_?!"

Steve shrugged helplessly. "It's not like I'm *that* familiar with the crew. I didn't think there was anything Joker would be interested in that's _not_ porn. Plus it got them here instead of out there."

There was a crash of a bottle dropping followed Traynor's "Oops!" and drunken giggles.

Shepard face-palmed and then dropped her hands before yelling, "Alright, that's enough! We're all having movie night! Right now! All of you get your asses to the couch!"

A cheer went up as the crew hurried to the couch where they could raid the combined movie library of Anderson, Kahlee, and Shepard. Which they do with happy eagerness as they toss the hard copies of the films around that they didn't like while Traynor and Tali passed around the bags of jerky and chips they had found stashed near the bar. Shepard made a mental note to thank Liara after this crazy lot finally settles down as it would take her forever to reorganize the films back to its original boxes. Anderson should not need to explain why some of the cheesy cartoons and questionable vids are in his pile of movies when he and Kahlee have their own private movie night. Shepard already owe her mentor too much to make that kind of careless mistake.

"Hack and Slash 3! My hat demands Hack and Slash 3!" Joker chants around the mouthful of jerky.

"No way! The point of getting drunk is to forget the real hack and slashing out there." Traynor grumbled. "Oh bloody hell, I'm remember it, I need more alcohol. Stat!"

"You're *hic* not taking my *hic* emergggeeenncccyy induction port!" Tali cradles the drink in her hand protectively.

"What about Blasto?" Garrus suggested.

"Ooh, I like that idea _amigo_! Can pay tribute to the guy Lola killed." Shepard glared at James, her anger still molten from finding out just what the actor was doing or rather attempted to do when it broke into the apartment.

"What?! Pay tribute to the delusional thing that broke into the apartment?! And wanted to play some stupid power game. Yeah NO! He's fucking lucky that I can't bring the damn thing back to life, throw it on a platter and give it to Javik as a snack."

Suddenly all movement froze.

"Holy shit this is Blasto?!" Joker cried out, horrified. "Oh god, you made me eat Blasto!"

With that everyone freaked out and started running towards the nearest bathroom and Shepard face-palmed again. Her fury bubbled over at the idea of them throwing up the levo- and dextro-venison jerky that she spent so much money and time to get right: hunting both the levo-deer and the dextro equivalent and within the given seasons, getting a willing dextro taste tester, and cooking. Dropping her arm, Shepard snapped out in her most commanding tone,

"FREEZE!"

Despite their drunkness and hysterics, the commanding tone froze everyone mid step.

"Turn. Your _asses_. Around. ALL OF YOU."

They all turned, some more hesitantly then others.

"I will throw you all out the airlock if you try to upchuck the damn things. That was my Venison Jerky you ass! Do you know how long it took me to save up enough money and perfect that recipe?! YEARS! I finally got it right last night and all of you just gobble the damn thing up like it's some cheap shit you can grab from any market!"

She locked eyes with every single one of them… well… except for Tali, Shepard had to make a wild guess on where the quarian's eyes were, and she seemed to be successful as Tali seemed to shrink slightly backwards like the others.

"Now, all of you are going back to the damn couch, pick out a NON-BLASTO movie and watch the damn thing or things. QUIETLY."

With that she turned and stalked away. But not before she heard a muttered comment from Joker, "Yup, I agree hat. Shepard can be such an ass when her recreation of Vaenia gets interrupted."

* * *

**A/N****:**_ I blame you for the creation of this chapter/sequel Theodur! :-p_


End file.
